Coming Back....

I've been gone for a few...months. It happens.
Sometimes you need to step away from all the distractions and the hobbies and the busy to find perspective. To find yourself. To listen to your own thoughts. All the things that we think define us causes us to be lost.
Me?
Well, I'm BLANK.
I was last seen in utter turmoil... Unable to decide what my calling was in life. What i should do and what i wanted to do left me torn and chained. That's when i disappeared.....
It's the best thing I've done in a long time though, as of right now, I still don't know what the hell is going on...For once I feel free...I feel like I've started over and I can paint my life however I want.
It's beautiful.
I have now emerged the same person I've always been but with a different understanding of what it means to be who i am. I have come to terms with my choices and my potential career. I've fallen in love with the perfect unexpected stranger and fallen out of love with those I was comfortable and complacent. I let go completely of responsibility only to find she has attached herself to me and shes not going far. So i took a deep breath and let her in. And the best part now is....I'm writing again when for months I forgot that this was my only lifeline for years. but now, I'm home again.

~sunshyne~

**New Late Nite Poem**

**I really should be sleeping but....**

Silence consumes me

her voice echoing relentlessly inside of me

solitude finally giving peace to my thoughts

My destiny appreciates her

finally quieting whispered expectations and dreams of past generations

inaudible directions of where i should go

reminders of the imaginary eyes that watch my every move

my definition just isn't good enough

Fuck it.

I can't be like you

My silence drowns them out with her sweet reverie and time to just Be

Erasing all the connected shoulds coulds and will

I am captivated by what now is

as blue shadows form my reflection on the ceiling

Now is Me

Now I am

Moment to moment

Living just to Be.

Some of the Old Stuff

These are a few of my favorites from this "documentary" on the Housing developments in Delaware back in high school . Developing these were a pain but I loved every moment of it. Looking back, there were a lot of things i would've done differently, but I guess thats how you learn... They're nothing special but i like them.

Let me be Your Mac....intosh

Song listened to right now: Everlong- Foo Fighters

Mood: Kinda tired (worked all day) but feeling good

Thoughts: I need a new damn computer....

I've come to the bitter and costly conclusion that I want a Mac. The PC i have now just is not making it. At first, I thought macs were more complicated than they were worth (i still don't have the clicking thing down pact). But then a friend of mine, through brute force, made me use one with him in the computer lab and I've been on since then. Plus, you have photoshop, itunes already built in, those things rarely ever get a virus or crash losing all your music, photos, poetry, prose, videos movies and whatever else you entrusted it with over the past year without a moments notice (thats just personally speaking), and they're faster. oh, and they have that funky app where you can see all the windows you have opened at once just by moving the arrow to the corner ( discovered that on my boy's notebook the other night)...I know i sound like an advertisement but I just need a technological change in my life and this would probably be the way to go.

Ladies and Gentleman, may I now present to you......My Swagger?

I am fascinated by this phenom of swagger.... as if it is something new. However, I feel as though the definition of swagger has been changed, but not for the better. As a matter of fact, swagger is a distraction...an idea that it is something tangible, and easily obtained through the material...not something that is felt or develops or resonates around you. Swag is now something associated with rappers, cars, clothes, kicks and money but it is something more than that. Swag is a style, but not one that you can buy at your nearest Urban Outfitters. Its a distinct style that comes from within that people can feel around you. It's a confidence and with confidence you can achieve anything. When I think of swag, I think of cats like Miles Davis. You can always tell a Miles track when it comes on. His manner of playin cannot be reproduced. When he walked on the stage, you knew it was him and you respected it. Not because he was famous. Not because he got his. But because he was Miles, it was his confidence in the way he played and the way he carried himself and everyone could feel it. It was not self- proclaimed (check my swagga niggas). His very presence screamed swagger and it was because if that, he was able to inspire people and gain admirers. Only back then it wasn't called swagger, it was called Cool.
Was he cocky? probably. Human nature.
So this evolution of swagger is irking me. Swag is not something that is turned on or off. There is no swag switch. There is not an app for that. Yes, swagger has varying degrees depending on the environment and your personality, but since swagger is a part of you, its a part of your style, it can't go off. Your swagger is you. And the clothes.....well, they're manifestations of swagger. If you have a distinct style, then the way you present yourself will reflect that. However, the clothes are not what gives you that swagger because it is not given. So all this "i let my car speak for me, my money, cribs, clothes, jewels blah blah blah blah" stuff is bull s***. Speak for yourself. I know plenty of brothers that don't have a thing (yet) and they have the swagger of kings and people notice and are drawn to it. And they did it all without diamonds on their damn chain. ( I know i'm ranting). So, to close out, if you truly have swagger...it needs no introduction cuz the people around you will already know before you even say a word. And for those who think they don't for whatever reason...trust, you do...you just haven't tapped into yet. But as you discover who you are, it will reveal itself to show you it was there all along. ~ Sunshyne

Herstory

**Geeze i'm glad my sister finally went upstairs, i can finally think**

I've been wondering how destiny chooses who makes their mark on the world and who doesn't. What determines whether you reach the masses? well you impact everyone you meet.... yes, i know that and the one person i get a chance to influence everyday does matter to me but what about a nation. For example, those who inspire change, who caused revolution...they had a message, influenced by those before them and the current state of their being. Or even those who just make you say wow. Or even people like Soulja Boy (who is probably the reason why i'm even thinking this over) No matter how utterly ignorant, nonsensical, generic, degrading, destructive and dare i say STUPID his songs are, he unfortunately has caused a movement (when you have NBA players coppin' YOUR style, you've really achieved something). So my question is (to myself and to you) What is your message? I guess a better question would be... if you were given one chance with a stage and a mic, with the entire world in front of you, what would you say? or what would you show them?

Sometimes, in this faltering world of black and white....i want to be the graffiti that f***s it all up and makes people dream in color.... ~ Sunshyne

R.I.P. Max

My doggie died today. Had him since I was 15. He had cancer and we didn't even know til today. Got lost getting to the hospital to see him b4 they put him down. Didn't make it. I miss my Max already.